Running up the down escalator

The last week I have to admit I’ve asked myself if I’ve bitten off more than I can chew. I’ve asked myself if I’m failing because I want to try to do more. And in wanting to do more I’m doing less in other areas of my life. Areas of my life that I should not be abandoning.

By Friday morning I was teary. I went to training down at the beach, and when I got home I did something I rarely do nowadays – I asked my husband for a hug. I heard the tremor in my voice when I asked for it too.

Because, here’s the thing…

I want to be in control. I want to run my own business, build my own little empire. I want to do what I love best. I want to succeed. I want to succeed in all areas of my life.

So, when you have 20 plates in the air and you are trying to keep them all spinning it’s sometimes going to feel a bit stressful. And sometimes those plates are going to get a bit wobbly, while you run from one end of the room to the the other to give it some much needed attention.

Then there are the times, like this week when you have a plate that is being a bit pesky – it keeps threatening to fall, it demands your attention but you know that while you’re trying to give that plate so much of your time, there are other plates that are all getting closer to needing your immediate attention too. Sure enough, it all leads to an exhausting few minutes of running around like a mad person flinging as much energy as you can at as many plates as possible, then collapsing in a heap on the floor.

But there’s no time to collapse on the floor!! No no.

Back to the plates. Keep them spinning.

I was reading another blog on Friday morning and it was like the author had reached inside my brain and pulled out all my thoughts, fears and concerns from this week. She too is working mum and she said she felt like she was forgetting things she doesn’t normally forget, and letting things slip in a way she normally wouldn’t.

I went out to get lunch on Wednesday when my phone buzzed to remind me I have a conference call in 15 minutes. I was heading to the bank to set a savings account up for my daughter. I realised I wasn’t going to have time, and quickly turned around to head back to my desk. Then my husband rang – I was chatting away to him, and was just about to walk into my building when it occurred to me I still hadn’t even got lunch. I now had five minutes to dash to grab lunch and get up to the 16th floor for my conference call. I had to hotfoot it to the sushi shop a few metres down the road, grab the first thing I saw and sprint back.

This tale, while not that distressing epitomises my week. Stupid little mistakes making things more stressful, making me late, making me disorganised and most annoyingly, making me inefficient.

When you are mum to a teething 11 month old who recently discovered she could get around of her own accord. When you want to keep on top of your fitness. When you want to have quality conversations with your friends and loved ones. When you want to make a success of your career. When you want to build a business for yourself. When you want to be an amazing mother. When you want to follow your dreams.

When you want these things you have to work hard.

But sometimes it can feel like you’re running up the down escalator.

When that happens, I look at my little girl and I remember why all these things are worth fighting for, worth enduring, worth pushing through, worth learning from.

I had dreams before, but now I have a family, I see that my dreams can become reality. And as cliched as it sounds, I know that I have never had a bigger reason for fighting for what I dream..